Top Ten Things to Do with A Fruit Cake (besides eat it)
By Stephanie Cottrell Bryant
December, 2002.
- Home base in your family’s annual championship game of snowball baseball.
- Frisbee!
- Set it next to a door that stubbornly refuses to stay open. Best used with a door you have no intention of ever closing, as removing the new doorstop may be a challenge.
- Leave it out for Santa to eat and catch the fat bastard as he’s trying to wedge himself back up the chimney, weighted down with your three-week-old rum-soaked fruit cake, a can of pressurized whipped cream, and a quart of whole milk.
- Stick feathers in it during duck hunting season to make a festive decoy.
- A dog chew toy. . . what do you mean not even your dog will touch it?
- Crumble it up into small pieces and. . . . just kidding. We know you can’t actually break up a fruit cake!
- “Pull!” – An inexpensive skeet. Reusable, too.
- Use as freeweights to bulk up your biceps.
- Place in a trebuchet when besieging a castle. Fire.
© 2003, Stephanie Cottrell Bryant. Written by Stephanie Cottrell Bryant. Permission to copy, distribute, share with friends and loved ones is granted, provided the copyright and author acknowledgments remain intact.